Discovery Siege
After a siege that lasted hours at the Discovery Channel's headquarters, police shot and killed a radical environmentalist who said he was angry about network's programming. The channel's security guards could have killed him right away, but Discovery executives wanted to make sure he wasn't a Nielsen family.



Awakenings
The Discovery Channel gunman says he experienced an "awakening" after seeing Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth... which is weird, because the movie put everyone else to sleep.



Lawyer Love
The city of Vernon, CA offers the same sweet pension deals to its city attorneys that it gives to police and firefighters. People in Vernon are responding by shooting and burning lawyers.



Big Find
Archaeologists in Jordan have unearthed a 3,000-year-old Iron Age idolatrous temple. Al Qaeda terrorists are scheduled to destroy it this Saturday.



Illegals Fall
The number of illegal immigrants in America is down for the first time in two decades... mostly because Lou Dobbs has started eating them.





September 2nd


1666: The Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days. Most victims are still trying to fill out their insurance paperwork.


1859: A solar super storm affects electrical telegraph service, and knocks out iPhones for 151 years.


1970: NASA announces the cancellation of two Apollo missions to the Moon. Ticket holders for the scrubbed launches are offered a full refund and a year’s supply of Tang.